Dear Jackson,
We’ve spent the last 12 weeks in each others’ company. With few exceptions, we’ve been together pretty much every waking moment. And before that, we spent 9 months literally attached to each other.
I’m headed back to work in a few days, and I’m so dreading leaving you. I’m looking forward to the working part of it since my job is pretty awesome, but it’s just not as snuggly as you.
I’d be lying if I said I wanted to be a full-time stay at home mom, because I know I’d suck at it. I’m not really the self-motivated type who’s driven to get housework done and tackle projects and organize things (that’s your dad. He’d be a fabulous stay at home-r). I get sucked into the vortex of staring at you while you’re awake – your smiles are far more gratifying than a folded pile of laundry! If I could find a way to stay with you all day *and* work, I’d be all over that.
As you get older, I know you’ll benefit from being around other kids and learning and playing all day. I know sitting and gazing at mama all day won’t always be so entertaining, so I appreciate what daycare will do for you. But oh how I’m going to miss you, kiddo. For the last 12 weeks, I’ve been around for the majority of your smiles and laughs and cries and coos. I’ve been here to feed you and play with you and change your stinky diapers and just hold you when you feel like being held. We’ve gotten to know each other without words.
Mostly, I’m afraid of what I’m going to miss. Will I be around when you discover that your hands do, in fact, belong to you? Will I get to watch you learn to actually scoot around on those hands and knees? Will I be there when you find new vocal ranges like the high pitched squeals you found in the last few weeks?
And on that first day away from home, will you realize that you haven’t seen mama in awhile and get freaked out? I’m sure at some point that will happen – if not now then down the road – and I can’t protect you from it. But up until now, I’ve at least been able to comfort you when you’re hungry or tired or gassy or just in need of some love. So I guess this is my introduction to the real pain of parenting. Not childbirth or those nights when you wouldn’t sleep, but letting go. Letting you discover things on your own. I want you to grow up into an independent person who doesn’t shy away from adventure, and I guess this is just the beginning.
So much love,
Mama
